And lastly, I give you my  Nugget of Wisdom #5:

Get perspective- this too shall pass! From nasty rumors, to public breakups, to mean girls and cliques, high school is full of painful stuff. In the moment the drama can feel so huge that it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But the truth is that the challenges you face don’t define you, they shape you. They make you a better friend, a stronger individual and a more compassionate human being. So stay positive. Keep your chin up. And remember, this too shall pass!

Today, I give you Nugget of Wisdom #4:

Ask For Help. Often. Let’s cut to the chase: asking for help does not mean you’re weak, stupid, helpless, incompetent or lame. Asking for help means you are wise enough to know your limitations, and you are brave enough to seek out the support that will allow you to achieve your greatest potential. Trying to keep all of your balls in the air without asking for help is exhausting and a waste of energy. Acknowledge your unmet needs and get them fulfilled by leaning on those around you.

Today, I give you Nugget of Wisdom #3:

Looks Fade, But Your Body Is Forever. In a society that’s obsessed with attaining the perfect body, it’s easy to get caught in the swirling tornado of fad diets, excessive exercising and poor body image. But your body is SO much more than just a shell. Your body allows you to run in your sports games and dance at the prom and rock out at concerts and hug your friends and go after your wildest dreams! So don’t take it for granted. Instead of comparing yourself to others, instead of obsessing over 5 pounds, instead of depriving your body of a healthy lifestyle- be grateful for it!! The truth is your looks will fade, but your body is with you for the rest of your life. So be good to it. Take care of it. And thank your lucky stars every day to be healthy.

Today, I give you Nugget of Wisdom #2:

Cut Your Parents Some Slack. Did I really just say that?! After all of the battles about boys and curfews and parties and boys and driving… Yes,  I encourage you to cut your parents some slack. Just because they are adults does not make them perfect. It’s easy to forget that being a parent does NOT mean that suddenly you have it all figured out. Your parents are human. Just like you, they make mistakes. Just like you, they are doing the best they can with the tools they’ve been given. And just like you, they need some extra slack every now and again.

I was recently asked to contribute to an anthology called “Letters to my 16 year old self.” The concept is pretty simple: if I could visit my 16 year old self and tell her anything, what would I say? Naturally I could to talk to my teenage self for hours, but alas I only had 1 page to fill. So, I narrowed all of my insight into 5 nuggets of wisdom. Today, I give you nugget of wisdom #1:

1. YOU ROCK. (Cue your eye roll here…) I know I know, a bit cheesy. But seriously, sometimes it’s difficult to give yourself credit for all that you do. I’ve learned how crucial it is to take stock of your hard work and acknowledge yourself for your successes. From piles of homework to acting classes, from sports teams to community service projects, you are overloaded and overworked. To keep from burning out you must stop, reflect and give yourself a giant pat on the back. I promise, it is neither egotistical nor selfish to do so. Rather, it deepens your self-awareness and honors some of your deepest core values: productivity, accomplishment, and integrity. So go ahead, say it out loud and own it! YOU ROCK.

Check out this great article on goal setting, written by Oprah’s life coach Martha Beck. Enjoy!

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Goal-Setting-Strategies-from-Life-Coach-Martha-Beck

In a previous post, I harp on the importance of erasing the phrases “no offense” and “just kidding” from our teens’ vocabulary. I want clarify that I certainly don’t mean to imply that jokes are evil and should be eliminated entirely, just the ones that are obviously meant to put down or degrade another. In fact, I think joking and teasing are a natural and important part of adolescence. Too often I see teen girls who are so fragile that they fall apart at even the slightest poke to their ego.  We must encourage our girls to have a sense of humor about them selves: Being able to laugh at yourself exemplifies a deep confidence and a real sense of self that can’t be shattered by minor pokes and prods.

That being said, it is important to know your hot button issues and communicate them to those that your are close with. Let’s face it, we all have personal hot buttons— those sensitive topics that send us from 0 to 60 in just seconds, and are certain to make us feel insecure, embarrassed, betrayed, disappointed, ashamed… None of these emotions are productive, and can be easily avoided by pinpointing your hot buttons and putting your friends and family on notice. For example, I have a client who is highly sensitive about her “thick legs.” She says that she has “cankles” and is embarrassed by the way they look. Her dad learned about this hot button the hard way: after making what he thought to be a harmless passing comment about her legs, my client exploded in tears and rage. By communicating our hot buttons to our friends and family, we save ourselves, and our circle, a whole lot of anguish.

Because we don’t always know someone’s hot spots, and sometimes don’t even know all of our own triggers, come up with a non-threatening way of communicating a hot button issue in the moment—a secret code works great! In my family, all we have to say is, “it’s one of those” and instantly we know to back off and maybe even apologize. Simply saying the phrase “hot spot” can prevent a single comment from erupting into a meltdown.

“No Offense” and “Just Kidding” certainly aren’t new phrases to the teen girl vocabulary. Heck, I remember girls throwing them around when I was in middle school! Girls have used these phrases for years as a way of saying what they want to say, no matter how hurtful or mean, without having to apologize for it. They are “get out of jail free cards.” In The Curse of the Good Girl, Rachel Simmons articulates this phenomenon perfectly:

“The phrases are verbal fulcrums, feeble attempts to balance girls’ need to tell the truth with the need to be seen as Good. When someone says “just kidding” or “no offense,” the listener is expected to agree without comment. Resist and she will hear some version of the script countless kids have been cornered with: “What’s your problem? Can’t you take a joke? Don’t be so sensitive, chill out!” The person with the problem is silenced, and she learns that refusing to go along with the “joke” means losing her spot in the group.” (p. 64)

Although these phrases appear harmless on the surface, they have serious consequences. The logic follows: if I didn’t mean to offend you, then my comment couldn’t have hurt you. If I was just joking, you can’t take my comment seriously. Thus, these phrases create a system among girls where no one is held accountable for hurtful digs and jabs. Subtly disregarding another’s feelings in order to save face is hardly a dignified tactic. Using these phrases allows and perpetuates a habit of not taking personal responsibility for how one’s actions impact another.

Let’s erase “just kidding” and “no offense” from our girls’ vocabulary, and teach them to speak honestly with integrity. The old adages “Think before you speak” and “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” are great rules of thumb. Taking the time to consider how your words might affect someone before you say them is a sign of real respect in a friendship. And, choosing your words and your tone wisely allows you to make your point effectively without causing major damage to the friendship.

The “I-Statement” is a very simple, yet highly effective, tool that allows you to express a problem and creates an opportunity to get your needs met. The formula is as follows:

“ I feel [emotion] when you [action].”

“I felt embarrassed when you told everyone today at the lunch table that my parents are getting divorced.”

This technique is effective for a few reasons. First, it forces the other person to look at their actions, how they impact you, and to take responsibility for them. Second, it is very difficult for someone to get defensive when you are expressing your feelings. Feelings can’t be argued with; if you feel them, they are real and undeniable. Third, by describing the action that hurt you (you told my secret, you yelled at me in public, you cheated off my test, etc) you are addressing the behavior, NOT the person. This distinction is crucial: you can still love someone even if you don’t love their behavior. In this way we teach our girls that relationships don’t hinge upon a single conflict, and friendships can remain fully intact throughout direct confrontation.

Lastly, specificity is king when using I-Statements. It is not enough to simply say “I feel angry when you tell my secrets.” First, dig deep to find the real emotion. Anger is certainly real, but usually stems from something else—embarrassment, fear, anxiety, etc. Choosing a laser specific emotion will help the other person to understand how their actions made you feel and is more likely to elicit feelings of empathy. Second, specify the time and place of the hurtful action. Let’s use the example above: “I felt embarrassed when you told everyone today at the lunch table today that my parents are getting divorced.” Instead of just “I feel angry when you tell my secrets”, giving a specific time and place of the offensive behavior will help shield against defensiveness or denial. Allow the person a moment to process your statement, and give them the opportunity to apologize for hurting you.

The next time you find yourself hurt by someone’s behavior, practice using an I-Statement to let them know how their actions impact you. In the end your needs will be met and your friendship will be improved!

The H.E.A.L. method is my 4-step guide to conflict resolution. I encourage girls to use this method as a precursor to a face-to-face confrontation. By taking the time to think through a confrontation first, a girl is likely to be much more effective in achieving the desired outcome and getting her needs met.

H- Halt! Take a second, take a minute, or take a whole day to think before you act. Emotions run high when we’re upset and impulsivity NEVER helps to heal a conflict. Take the time to think through your next move: what is the conflict really about? What do you want to say? When and where would be the most effective time to talk?

E- Explain. Calmly explain why you’re upset or hurt. Be as specific as possible. Use I statements in order to express your feelings:
Ex: I feel confused and hurt when you are nice to me outside of school but exclude me at lunch. Yesterday I asked you to save me a seat but you didn’t.

A- Accept, Acknowledge and Ask. Accept responsibility for where you have contributed to the conflict. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Ask for what you need– what needs to change in order for you to feel satisfied and complete?

L- Lock and Let go. Decide how you want to proceed with your friendship. Do you want to lock it in and let go? Or do you want to lock it out and let go? (You may need to decide this after you speak to the person)

Next time you need to confront someone, try using the H.E.A.L. method! You’re sure to walk away feeling dignified and complete.